What’s That Dad’s Email Address?

This is what jokes are. If you don’t like this, you really need to fuck all the way off.


Ain’t No Love in the Heart of the City

Two things:

  1. I could not be more excited about LeBron James’s first NBA Championship. The last time the average person cared about pro basketball in America, the most dominant talent was also its champion. In the last four years, NBA play has been as good as it has ever been (and even better than it used to be) and it is my sincere hope that this will bring more people to the sport. Plus, it establishes the Heat as a true Empire team: they are they Yankees of basketball, and everyone will be coming for them. It’s going to be a great 2012-2013 season.
  2. I suggest you watch this video. Everyone funny that you like is in it.

X Gonna Give it To You

How to Beat the Heat When You Don’t Have Central Air

by Nate Adams

1)   Freeze pops: eat them or take a strip of them and lay em’ across your bare chest. The kind that come in that red clam net are best, because they have yellow pineapple-flavored ones, but Flavor Ice isn’t bad, either.

2)   Sit in front of a box fan and stare out the window like that guy from Rear Window (the first one, not the second one).

3)   Ordering the coldest, girliest, most calorie-loaded bitch drink from Starbucks, or the equivalent coffee joint near you: What’s cooler than being cool? Being this dude/lady, that’s what.

4)   Local-ass ice cream parlors: If you are 18 or younger, go there to ogle the ice cream teens. If you are 18 or over, go there for waffle cones / the chance to feel fat in public. Do not act above or below your age. Both lanes on that road are sad and unseemly (Note: this step does not include Friendly’s, TCBY, Rita’s or any other national chain. That shit is stepped-on. Go somewhere else, the kind of place that gives you a half-pint of soft serve on a cone for $3.00. No distance is too far).

5)   Bottoms only around the house

6)   Soak a sweatband in cold water and wear it around the house like LeBron James: Repeat as needed.

7)   Sleep at Joe Pelone’s house: I’m gonna read all of his Scott Pilgrim books tonight. He can’t stop me.