X Gonna Give it To You

How to Beat the Heat When You Don’t Have Central Air

by Nate Adams

1)   Freeze pops: eat them or take a strip of them and lay em’ across your bare chest. The kind that come in that red clam net are best, because they have yellow pineapple-flavored ones, but Flavor Ice isn’t bad, either.

2)   Sit in front of a box fan and stare out the window like that guy from Rear Window (the first one, not the second one).

3)   Ordering the coldest, girliest, most calorie-loaded bitch drink from Starbucks, or the equivalent coffee joint near you: What’s cooler than being cool? Being this dude/lady, that’s what.

4)   Local-ass ice cream parlors: If you are 18 or younger, go there to ogle the ice cream teens. If you are 18 or over, go there for waffle cones / the chance to feel fat in public. Do not act above or below your age. Both lanes on that road are sad and unseemly (Note: this step does not include Friendly’s, TCBY, Rita’s or any other national chain. That shit is stepped-on. Go somewhere else, the kind of place that gives you a half-pint of soft serve on a cone for $3.00. No distance is too far).

5)   Bottoms only around the house

6)   Soak a sweatband in cold water and wear it around the house like LeBron James: Repeat as needed.

7)   Sleep at Joe Pelone’s house: I’m gonna read all of his Scott Pilgrim books tonight. He can’t stop me.


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