How to Beat the Heat When You Don’t Have Central Air
by Nate Adams
1) Freeze pops: eat them or take a strip of them and lay em’ across your bare chest. The kind that come in that red clam net are best, because they have yellow pineapple-flavored ones, but Flavor Ice isn’t bad, either.
2) Sit in front of a box fan and stare out the window like that guy from Rear Window (the first one, not the second one).
3) Ordering the coldest, girliest, most calorie-loaded bitch drink from Starbucks, or the equivalent coffee joint near you: What’s cooler than being cool? Being this dude/lady, that’s what.
4) Local-ass ice cream parlors: If you are 18 or younger, go there to ogle the ice cream teens. If you are 18 or over, go there for waffle cones / the chance to feel fat in public. Do not act above or below your age. Both lanes on that road are sad and unseemly (Note: this step does not include Friendly’s, TCBY, Rita’s or any other national chain. That shit is stepped-on. Go somewhere else, the kind of place that gives you a half-pint of soft serve on a cone for $3.00. No distance is too far).
5) Bottoms only around the house
6) Soak a sweatband in cold water and wear it around the house like LeBron James: Repeat as needed.
7) Sleep at Joe Pelone’s house: I’m gonna read all of his Scott Pilgrim books tonight. He can’t stop me.